Almost Paradise
by Justice of the People
Summary: A series of RudeReno ficlets. SLASH. Nongraphic. Fifth story: Reno wants kids, insanity ensues.
1. Alfred the Brave

Disclaimer: If I owned Final Fantasy Tifa and Cloud would so have babies.

**Reno the Peacemaker, Rude the Slayer, Alfred the Brave**

_I am a fearless warrior. You can't scare me._

Reno walked forward, tightly holding his shining black weapon. He would win this battle; he had to win it, for the sake of his home and his friends the enemy was going down. He clutched the weapon tighter.

_Where are you?_

Then he saw him. The beast's gray fur and leering black eyes stood out, his sharp white teeth glinting.

Reno smiled and lifted his weapon high, ready to strike.

_Thud._

He looked behind himself in shock to find Rude clutching a bleeding nose and looking livid.

"What the hell are you doing?" Rude demanded.

"Uhhh…."

"You hit me in the face with a frying pan!"

"It was an accident, I was reaching back to kill the mouse," Reno defended.

"What mouse?"

"We have a mouse!"

"And you were going to kill it with something we eat off of?"

"…Yes…"

"Give me that," Rude snatched the frying pan away from Reno.

"Mouse-lover," Reno hissed, then squealed and jumped onto the countertop.

"It touched me!"

Rude sighed and put the frying pan away. "You'll fight chimeras, you'll fight monsters, you'll fight _Sephiroth's remnants_, but you're scared of a _mouse_?"

Reno blinked, then twiddled his thumbs. "It'd be a rat if it went outside."

"…_What_?"

"You know, when they're inside they're mice, but outside…"

"Just stop talking," Rude lifted his hand.

"But that's how it works!"

Rude watched the mouse scurry across their floor, pick up a cracker chunk that'd been there for who knows how long, then run behind their fridge.

Reno bit his fingernails, watching the area where the creature had been. Sighing, Rude left the room.

"Where are you going?" Reno demanded from atop the counter.

The once coat closet was full of useless junk that they'd tossed in there when it had no other home. After several minutes of digging Rude came out victorious, brandishing a bag of not-quite-live mousetraps.

He strolled back into the kitchen and started setting them up around the fridge.

"What are you doing?"

"This is the proper way to catch a mouse," Rude said matter-of-factly.

"But won't that _kill _it?" Reno's voice was worried.

The older Turk looked up at him the way he always did when Reno was being ridiculous or stupid. "And what exactly were you going to do with the frying pan?"

"…I don't know."

"You don't _know_?"

"Well it seemed like a good idea at the time! But _Rude_," he said in a whiny voice. "The mouse is so _small_…"

Rude laid pieces of cheese on the traps and sat back. "That's life."

A few minutes passed, and Rude continued to stare at the battle-line he had drawn.

"You're going to watch? You sadist!"

"It's just a stupid mouse."

"But what if it has stupid mouse babies and a stupid mouse wife that can't get any stupid mouse food without her stupid mouse husband and she'll have to find a stupid mouse job and no one will be home with the stupid mouse children and they'll all grow up to be stupid mouse criminals! Think of the family Rude."

"Or," Rude started, "it's just a stupid mouse that's going to chew holes in our walls."

"But…"

"You were going to kill the thing in the first place," Rude stood, looking away from the traps for the first time. "I don't see what the problem is here…"

He was interrupted by a sharp snapping sound, followed by five more. Reno covered his face in horror and Rude turned triumphantly to his mousetraps. All of them were shut and cheese-less.

None of them held a mouse.

Reno looked out from behind his hands, then snickered. "What's the word I'm looking for here Rude?" Reno tapped his chin thoughtfully, dangling his legs off the edge of the countertop. "Oh that's right, I believe it's _owned_ Rude, owned by a _mouse_!"

The vein in Rude's forehead pulsed so much that Reno was afraid it would explode. He shrunk back onto the countertop.

"I mean, 'oh no, it got away'."

"I hope you realize," Rude said to the fridge. "That this means war."

Reno gulped.

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"We need mousetraps."

"Live mousetraps," Reno said over Rude's shoulder.

Rude shoved the redhead away from the salesperson they were speaking to. "Any kind of mousetrap."

"Rude!" Reno whined.

"If it's still alive when I catch it I'm just going to kill it so quit complaining," Rude snapped.

Reno pouted behind Rude's shoulder.

"Well," said the salesperson cheerfully, obviously trained to ignore lovers' spats. "You're in luck, we have many mousetraps. Mice are pretty prevalent in Midgar, so we keep plenty handy. We have poisons, cages, snap-close traps, bio-bombs, and of course Hojo's new mouse-catcher 6000…"

"Wait," interrupted Rude. "Did you say Hojo?"

The salesman nodded with a bright smile. "Yes sir."

"This I've got to see," Rude said over his shoulder to Reno as he followed the salesman.

Pulling out a large, silver triangle the salesman moved into his well-memorized speech. "This was invented by the brilliant Hojo. You simply lay the object on the floor and it uses materia magic already imbedded in it to find and annihilate any mice within ten cubic feet. A blue light will make a square around its radius, but it will only harm something that has mouse-DNA."

"I'll take it, let's see him get out of this."

Reno crossed his arms defiantly. "Alfred's smart, he'll do it."

"Alfred?" Rude demanded. "Please tell me that's not the mouse?"

Reno lifted an eyebrow. "What if it is?"

"Reno," Rude started, as if he was speaking to a small child. "When you name things you make them into real characters in your mind, then you grow attached to them. It's not good to be attached to something that your lover is going to kill."

"We'll see Rude."

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Alfred sat daringly in the middle of their kitchen, snacking on a piece of cheese that he must have stolen from the mousetraps.

"That's right," Rude said, brandishing the triangle. "Look smug, we'll see who's laughing ten minutes from now."

Tipping his head to the side curiously, Alfred shoved the remaining cheese in his mouth and stared at Rude.

Reno whimpered. "Rude, he's really cute."

"Shut up," Rude said, setting the device three feet from the mouse.

"There's something I should tell you," Reno said dramatically. "The machine targets things with mouse DNA. Well, if you turn that on I'm done for. You see, I'm half mouse." Reno collapsed on the floor, hugging Rude's arm. "You still love me right?"

"Knock it off," he commanded, shaking Reno off his arm.

Reno crossed his legs and pouted. "You bully."

"I just have to press this button, and it'll be over," Rude said evenly. "Then this mouse-obsession will be gone from your head."

No response. Rude smiled and leaned forward pressing the button. Then, two things happened.

1) A small blue light started at the tip of the triangle, and then grew.

2) Reno jumped across the kitchen floor screaming at Alfred to run.

"You idiot!" Rude shouted as the mouse scurried just outside the blue square's reach. It then stopped a foot away and sat there, staring at them curiously.

If Rude didn't know any better, he'd think that the damned thing was smirking.

The blue light sucked back into the triangle. Reno sighed in relief, but Rude snapped. He grabbed the frying pan from inside the cupboard and ran at Alfred.

Reno went and hid in the closet, trying to ignore the bangs.

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"I don't see how this could have happened," Rude said softly, leaning against the couch, Reno next to him, nodding sympathetically.

It had been three hours, twenty-two minutes, and six seconds since the Hojo creation had failed and Rude and went on a rampage through their apartment, chasing after Alfred.

The fish bowl was busted, the fish now floated around happily in the only three cups Reno could find that weren't completely broken. The couch that they sat on was torn, the kitchen in shambles, the bed turned over, the windows cracked…

Alfred chewed on his cheese and watched them from the coffee table curiously.

"He's so close," Rude said pathetically, reaching out his hand. The mouse was about six inches from the tip of his index finger.

"I know," said Reno.

"But if I move, he'll be gone."

Reno nodded.

Rude slumped against the couch again. "I'm a pathetic excuse for a man."

"I don't think so," said Reno reassuringly. "I think Alfred's just a really good mouse."

"So now what?"

Reno shrugged. "What can we do? Alfred obviously intends to stay. He's more interesting then the fish at least." He glanced at one of the golden creatures, which was now repeatedly running into one of the glass walls, obviously not understanding the concept of turning.

"I guess so," Rude agreed.

They sat in silence for a moment.

"Reno?" Rude finally said.

"Yeah?"

"Why the hell Alfred?"

"…It's such a nice name…"

"…Oh."

Alfred leapt off the table happily and ran into the kitchen to inspect the piles of scattered food amongst the wreckage.

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**A/N**: I hope that you guys liked it! This is going to be a series of ficlets, and I have many ideas, but if there's any Rude/Reno stories that you'd like to see let me know and I'll try to write them. It can be drama, humor, fluff, whatever you want. Please review!


	2. Obey the Earring

**Disclaimer**: I don't own Final Fantasy, which is the property of Square Enix. Lucky bastards. However, if I did own it, Cloud would be slightly less emo and not in love with his best friends girl and Sephiroth would so kick Genesis's butt. 

**A/N**: Thanks to all who reviewed the first chapter!

**The Magic of the Earring**

Tseng leaned back in his chair, reading the paper in his hands carefully. More office work, he hated it. He became a Turk so that he could be where the action was. He wanted to see interesting things.

A clang came from the ceiling.

_What the…?_

Slowly, fed through the vent above Tseng's head, an earring on a piece of yarn appeared. The earring swung three inches from Tseng's nose. It began to move from left to right at a steady pace.

"You will give Reno and Rude a paid vacation together," came a purposely-lowered voice from the ventilation system. "You WILL give Reno and Rude a paid vacation together."

Tseng sighed. "Reno, how the hell did you get in the vent?"

The swinging earring stopped moving for several moments, and then started up again. "This is not Reno. This is NOT Reno. Reno is NOT here. I am the magical floating earring, obey me. OBEY ME!"

"I already said no yesterday Reno. And last week. And the week before that. It's not happening, there's too much work to be done."

"You WILL give Reno and Rude a paid vacation together. If you don't, the magical earring will go away, and tell you-KNOW-what to you-know-WHO."

Tseng's felt sweat break across his face. How could Reno possibly know _that_?

He grabbed the earring and yanked. The yarn and earring came free and landed on his desk.

"Hey that's mine!" A frantic voice from the vent said. "Come on, I took that off of Rude while he was sleeping, I neeeeeed it back before he wakes up!"

Tseng climbed on to his desk. When he was tall enough he yanked the vent free, sending Reno tumbling on to the desk in front of him. Tseng jumped down.

He forced a smile. It looked like he sucked on a lemon. "So… when did you want that vacation?"

"Seriously?" Reno's mouth dropped open. "Next week."

"But next week…"

Reno crossed his arms and raised an eyebrow, simultaneously tapping his foot. "I'll tell."

Squeezing his pen to an almost breaking point, Tseng pulled out the papers and filled them out. "Paid huh?"

Nodding, Reno smiled.

Tseng shoved the papers against Reno's chest. "There, now get out."

Reno read them over carefully, and then smiled. "Thank you," he sauntered to the door.

"Wait."

Reno paused.

"How did you know that I slept with Rufus's girlfriend?"

A look of shock crossed Reno's face. "_You slept with Rufus's girlfriend?_"

Tseng shot up in his seat. "If that wasn't it then what do you know?"

Reno shrugged. "Nothing, I only said that because I expected you to fill in the blanks. Worked like a charm." He snapped his fingers and ran out the door, clutching the papers to his heart in case Tseng tried to take them back.

As soon as the door closed a vase shattered against it.

_I've changed my mind_, Tseng thought. _This place is interesting enough._

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**A/N**: I can't decide which I like more, this one or the mouse one. They're both very different, so I'm not even sure if I can compare them. Not much Reno/Rude interaction in this one, but I thought that it was okay since they're trying to go on vacation together. Please review, and let me know if there's anything you'd like to see!


	3. Wutaiian Beer

Disclaimer: Wutai, Reno, and Rude are the property of Square Enix.

**A/N**: This chapter is more in the drama section then the humor section, just so everyone is forewarned.

WARNING: Sexual implications, fluff, drunken Reno.

**Wutaiian Beer, sequel to The Magic of the Earring**

"It was nice of Tseng to give us some time off," Rude commented, sipping his beer.

Reno giggled, a little tipsy already. "Sure," he said, then giggled some more.

Any other day, Rude would have questioned Reno's smirk every time they talked about Tseng giving them a vacation, but this was a special occasion. They barely spent time together doing normal things. Besides, he loved Wutai.

Reno leaned over, the left legs of his chair going off the ground, and giggled again. He balanced himself against Rude's arm. "The ice glitters like diamonds," he stared at his cup in shock.

Rolling his eyes, Rude straightened Reno's chair, but then pulled it closer as an afterthought. Reno giggled again. It was amazing how funny everything around him became after a few beers.

"Don't sit with your chair like that, you'll fall," Rude said, sipping his beer.

Reno watched him as if he was the most interesting thing in the world. "You know, you make a funny face after you drink, kind of like Alfred when he's _really_ thinking hard on somethin'."

Sighing, Rude turned to stare at Reno. "Alfred is a mouse, he doesn't think hard on things."

"Sure he does," responded Reno, tipping his chair to its right side in an obvious act of rebellion. He laid his head on Rude's shoulder. "This is fun."

"Hm," Rude agreed nonchalantly, attempting to ignore the brush of Reno's hair on his cheek. They'd made a bet earlier while on the ride to Wutai about who could hold out the longest for their _real_ vacation to start. Reno had argued that Rude was more aggressive then him, so he would be the first to want to go to the hotel. Rude had disagreed on the grounds that Reno had stronger sexual urges. They'd be sitting in the bar for three hours now, neither willing to give up.

"We should…" Reno started to say, but never finished. In his attempt to push himself closer to Rude the precariously perched chair beneath him had gone AWOL, and was shot about five feet from them. Rude tried to grab him, but wasn't fast enough. Reno hit his head on the edge of Rude's chair with a thud before hitting the ground.

"Reno!" Rude pushed his chair out and knelt on the floor next to the redhead.

Reno looked up at him. A small stream of blood was dribbling from his forehead down his cheek. He started giggling uncontrollably. "Hey, you were right, I _did_ fall! Can you see the future Rude?"

Rude sighed in relief. The cut wasn't bad, they just needed to bandage it and Reno would be fine. He grabbed a napkin off their table and held it against Reno's forehead, pulling him into a sitting position on the floor.

Obediently he let Rude pull him up, and had even stopped giggling. He cuddled close to Rude's chest.

"I love you."

Rude smiled. "I love you too."

Maybe losing the bet wouldn't be such a bad thing.

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**A/N**: Kind of different from my other ficlets for this story, but I hope that you guys enjoyed it. Please review! BTW, the next chapter is humor, and I've already finished it. I'm going to post it either later today or tomorrow.


	4. Ally and Alfred

Disclaimer: Square Enix property, not mine. Cept Alfred.

**Mousey Love, sequel to Reno the Peacemaker, Rude the Slayer, Alfred the Brave**

The door opened slowly, but Rude could still here the squeak of it. Reno had been missing for the last hour and a half, and that didn't bode well. Every time Reno went somewhere he begged Rude to accompany him, but this time he didn't even seem to want Rude to go at all.

From the couch, Rude glared at the hallway that his lover would soon be walking down.

_There are only two reasons why he would let me off from running errands with him._

_He wasn't running errands, but cheating on me._

_He's up to something._

Number 2 appeared far more logical to Rude, or at least it was the one he preferred. But what was the redhead up to?

"Hi Rude!" The voice made him jump slightly, though not enough for Reno to notice. Rude silently scolded himself for not paying attention. The last time he jumped out of fear was when he was 8-years-old, and a particularly sneaky chocobo came up behind him and warked in his ear.

Mother still doesn't know where all those chocobo steaks came from… 

"What are you doing?" Rude asked Reno nonchalantly, eyeing him for anything incriminating.

"Oh, just heading to the kitchen," Reno said with a smile.

"To do what?"

"What, I can't go into my own kitchen without an interrogation?"

"Of course you can," Rude waved his hand dismissively, turning back to the recently purchased TV. Rude destroyed the last one in his attempt to rid them of Alfred, their mousy intruder. He failed miserably.

He watched Reno back into the kitchen out of his peripheral vision; the redheaded turk's hand was behind his back. Rude waited several moments before rising and following Reno into the kitchen. He found his lover squatting on the floor next to the crack between the fridge and the cabinet. Where Alfred lived. He had a small box of some sort, and was whispering.

"What's going on?"

Reno jumped two feet in the air, and then turned to glare at Rude. He quickly wiped the angry look away, and laughed nervously. "Ha… ha…. Nothing." He shoved the box behind his back.

"Nothing?" Rude asked casually, sauntering closer.

Reno laughed again, this time slower. "Yeah, nothing."

"Then what's in the box?"

"…What box?"

Rude shot towards it, but Reno was faster. He jumped to the other side of Rude and held the box tightly to his chest.

"Nothin', kay? Go back to your show."

"What are you hiding?"

"I'm not hiding anything!" Reno defended.

Rude lifted an eyebrow. "Then why can't I see what's inside the box?"

"There's nothing to see."

"Then why can't I look?"

Reno and Rude glared at each other for several moments before Reno sighed in defeat.

"Here," He said softly, proffering the box. But when Rude went to take it, Reno ducked under his arm and ran to the edge of the fridge, dumping something out of the box.

Something _gray_. The gray thing scurried into the crack.

"What the hell was that?" Rude demanded.

Reno stared at him innocently. "What the hell was what?"

"That gray thing!"

"I didn't see anything."

Rude rubbed his forehead. "If you don't tell me, I swear I'll tell Sephiroth what you did with Jenova's head."

Reno's mouth gaped open. "You wouldn't."

"Wanna find out?"

Reno mumbled something incoherent.

"Pardon?"

"I said 'it was Ally'."

Rude's nerves kicked any. "And who's Ally?"

Reno twiddled his thumbs. "Alfred's wife."

All Rude could do was stare at the now blushing turk. "Ally is Alfred's _wife_?"

"Well, he just looked so _lonely_ back there all by himself…"

"He's a mouse!"

"But that doesn't mean that he can't find true love!"

Rude sighed and rubbed his temples. "So let me get this straight; you decided that the mouse who lives in our apartment and chews holes in our walls, not to mention that I hate, was lonely, so you went and bought a female mouse?"

Reno looked thoughtful, then nodded.

"So that they can chew holes in our walls together?"

Reno nodded again.

"Alright," Rude said carefully, trying to remain calm. Yelling at Reno was like yelling at a child; they eventually start to cry and you feel like the biggest jerk in history. "But how are they _married_?"

"I was performing the marriage ceremony when you came in."

Rude nodded. That seemed perfectly logical… for Reno.

"Reno," Rude said gently. _Find your chi, find your chi_. "Did it ever occur to you that the two of them will most likely procreate?"

Reno blinked. "So?"

"So," Rude clenched his teeth. "In a few months there will be quiet a few more then two mice."

"…So?"

Rude sighed. "That's bad Reno."

"But they'll be a happy family."

"But _I _won't be happy."

"Oh come on Rude, we'll be _uncles_."

Rude stared at him. This was getting too weird.

"We can't let them stay."

Reno pouted. "Why not?"

"Did you seriously ask me that? We can't have rodents reproducing behind our fridge, it's unsanitary!"

Reno looked thoughtful. "Alright."

"…Really?"

"Yeah, I'll move them to the coat closet."

_Okay, time for Plan B. _

"Reno," Rude's voice became firm. "They're not staying."

Reno looked up at him in shock, his eyes watering.

Oh no… 

"What?" Reno asked, his voice shaking and tears falling down his cheeks.

That's cheating! 

"They're not staying," Rude repeated, though it came out sounding more like a question than an order.

Reno stared at him boots, scoffing them on the ground. "I really love Alfred, he's the only pet I've ever had, other then the fish." His voice sounded higher then normal, like a child.

"I thought you had a dog as a kid," Rude argued half-heartedly.

"I did," Reno said, still staring at the ground. "For a week, then he got run over."

Rude's resolve wavered, and he sighed. "Fine, but I want them out from behind the fridge by tomorrow."

He walked around Reno and back to the living room. Reno watched him go, and then smiled.

"Sucker," he said, kneeling on the ground with cheese in an attempt to coax them out and relocate them to the closet.

"It's okay guys, big mean ol' Rude is gone now. As a wedding present, I'm going to move you to a bigger home, how's that?"

Rude glared at the kitchen door from the hallway. _Bastard._

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**A/N**: I don't like the ending of this one. I hope you enjoyed it, reviews are appreciated! (begging) please don't be lurkers!


	5. Procreation

Disclaimer: If I owned Final Fantasy I would…. Umm… well I don't, so I guess it doesn't matter. (slits wrists)

**Procreation **

_Rude's gonna be mad. _

_But they're just so darn cute._

_Rude's gonna be furious._

_Ah, look at their little noses._

The battle raged within Reno as he watched the many Alfred/Ally juniors scurry across the floor.

A little fluff of fur rolled over and laid down next to Reno's hand. He nearly passed out from delight as he scooped up the newly born mouse.

"Oh whose a coot wittle mousey? I tink it's you, yes I do," Reno said, rubbing it against his cheek. "I just wuv my wittle mousies so much."

"Ehem."

Reno's blue eyes widened. "Tell me that was you little mousey."

"Reno, what's this?" A familiar voice behind him demanded.

"Ummm…" Reno bit his lower lip. "They're special lab mice, Tseng sent them over for us to protect."

"Did he now?"

Reno nodded so hard that Rude suspected he could hear the few remaining brain cells rattling.

"And what's so special about these mice?"

Reno stared at him blankly. "…They can fly."

Rude raised an eyebrow. "Can they? Well, that is special." He walked forward and picked up a scurrying baby by the tail. "That's something I'd like to see," he commented as he walked toward the window.

"What are you doing?" Reno asked, quickly standing and following him.

"I want to see them fly," Rude responded simply.

"But…" Reno started. "We're not supposed to let them fly. They only fly to celebrate special days."

Rude turned and stared at him, the little mouse trying to break out of his grip. "Really? And what would those special days be?"

"…Rufus's birthday," Reno responded, feeling very clever. "They can't fly until Rufus's birthday."

"Rufus's birthday was last week," Rude said, raising an eyebrow.

"…They're for next year."

"Reno…"

"They're _special_ Rude."

"Reno…"

"Okay, so they can only jump really high…"

"_Reno_…"

"Ally and Alfred are in love Rude!" Reno snapped. "People who are in love have babies!"

"That is a gross generalization. Besides, they're not people."

"But we are!"

Rude's eyes widened. "What are you talking about?"

Reno stared at his feet. "You know, there are adoption agencies. And surrogate mothers…"

"Reno, you can't be serious," Rude said shaking his head. "What kind of parents would _we_ be?"

"We'd be great parents," Reno mumbled.

"It's our job to _kill_ people."

"So?"

"Reno, the answer's no."

Reno looked up from the floor and glared at him. "You can't tell me what to do."

"What do you want a kid for? You hate kids."

"I love kids. I saved that one brat from Bahamut, remember?"

"That doesn't mean anything."

"Sure it does!" Reno stood. "Come on Rude, it'll be fun."

"Parenting isn't supposed to be about _fun_," Rude snapped. "It's supposed to be about responsibility. Kids aren't born for your amusement."

"Of course they are Rude, that's why people _have _kids."

Rude pinched the bridge of his nose. "I'm not discussing this further because it's not happening." The larger man turned on his heel and walked out.

"And get rid of those mice!" He shouted from the hallway.

Reno crossed his arms and huffed.

_We'll see who gets the last word._

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It was late, and the last thing she wanted was to be at the Shinra building _working_.

Elena sighed and knuckled out the weariness in her eyes. Sometimes she hated her job.

But at least it was quiet…

"Hello Elena."

The soft voice flashed through the darkness as if her silent gratitude had called for a knock on wood situation. She knew the voice, and it wasn't going to be quiet for very long.

"What do you want?" she demanded.

Reno stepped out of the nighttime darkness and into the illuminated circle around her desk.

"I came to speak with you."

Elena eyed him cautiously, a nervousness brought on by his calm, smooth voice. Somehow his inlaid ego and confident drawl had always grated on her own assuredness.

"About what?"

"Let's not play games Elena," Reno sauntered toward her like a lazy cat.

And cats have fangs.

"Games?" She asked lifting an eyebrow and backing up.

"You know what I mean," Reno was an inch away from her. He reached up a hand and twirled a lock of her blonde hair. "I see the way you look at me."

She sighed in irritation. "What are you going on about Reno?"

"Shhh," Reno put his finger to her lips. "Don't speak. Don't ruin what we're experiencing with words."

"Reno," she said in a garbled voice around his finger. "What are you talking about?"

"I'm talking about our _love_, Elena, don't be coy," Reno cupped her face in his hands. "This is our only chance to be together, let's not waste it."

Elena had had enough. She sent a sharp punch into Reno's gut. He grunted and fell heavily on to the floor.

"Dammit Elena!" he coughed. "What the hell is wrong with you?"

"What the hell is wrong with _you_?" Elena demanded. "Does Rude know you're here? Why _are _you here?"

Reno glared at her. "'Cause."

She narrowed her eyes. "Reno…"

"Okay!" Reno snapped. "So maybe I want a baby, what's the crime in that?"

Elena stared in shock at him. "You… WHAT?"

"Rude said that I couldn't get a baby, so I thought that if I _made_ one…"

"You were trying to _impregnate_ me?"

"It sounds bad when you say it like that…"

"And what happens afterward, when I have the baby? You and Rude take it and raise it away from me?!"

"You would get it as a fetus!"

"_Reno_…"

"Come on Elena," Reno stood. "You get _my _fetus."

Elena swiftly kicked him in the groin and walked out of her office, ignoring his groans of pain.

_I really need to find a new job…_

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Rude entered his home, and there was no sign of Reno. No sulking Reno, no bad-tempered Reno, no horny Reno. Something was wrong.

He heard a soft giggle from down the hall.

_Oh lifestream no._

He cautiously crept down the hallway, his hand subconsciously on his weapon. The floor creaked jarringly, warning him away.

_Go back_, he imagined it saying. _You don't want to see._

_I most certainly don't._

He gently pushed the door at the end of the hallway open. The redhead was sitting on the floor completely covered in… in… _mush_. A giggling dark-haired toddler was sitting in front of him, pointing a chubby finger.

"_Reno_…" was all Rude could get out.

Reno's head immediately jerked in Rude's direction.

"Oh… hey Rude."

"Dammit Reno," Rude swore. "Where the _hell_ did you get that baby?"

The little girl – who apparently didn't have enough brain cells to comprehend Rude's wrath – giggled even louder and waved at him exuberantly.

"Her name is Amber, and I'm babysitting," Reno said defensively. "Do you know how to get a baby to eat?" He waved a can, now empty, of baby food in the air.

"Who is letting you baby-sit their toddler?" Rude took a tentative step back. "Did you get that thing from the lab?"

"_No_ Rude," Reno said, as if speaking to a child. "I got her from my friends."

The other man stared at him through his sunglasses.

"I _have _friends Rude."

"Like who?"

Reno was silent for a moment.

"People."

"Did you steal that baby?" Rude picked the curly haired girl off the floor. "Do you know how traumatized she probably is?"

The toddler giggled again, then threw up on Rude.

Everything was silent for several minutes.

"…_RENO_…"

"Oh come on Rude, it's not _her _fault."

"She vomited on me!"

"Children do that."

"_Where did you get her?_"

Reno twiddled his thumbs. "I found her," he mumbled.

Rude stared at him blankly. "You found her."

"Sure."

"What does that mean?"

"Exactly what I said."

"Is that a yes?"

"Sure."

"_Reno_…"

A loud banging at the front door interrupted their conversation.

"RENO!" A familiar female voice shouted from behind the door. "Open up NOW!"

Rude stared at Reno in horror.

"You kidnapped _Tifa's_ baby?"

"No!" Reno snapped defensively. "But don't open the door anyway, kay?"

Rude plopped the baby back into Reno's arms and headed for the front door. "You made your bed, now you have to lie in it."

Reno followed him cautiously. "Well, it's not like I did anything _wrong_," he said to himself. "I was just giving her a break from this mother business, a little breathing time. She should be thanking me. Besides, look how happy little Amber is! She won't mind when she sees her baby, who is perfectly fine." He cuddled the toddler to him.

The door was unlocked by Rude's hand, and the toddler started screaming like there was no tomorrow.

"Shhh!" Reno hushed her, terrified.

In the doorway stood a fuming, livid Tifa held back by Cloud.

"What have you done?" Tifa demanded, her voice harsh and rasp in fury.

"Nothing!" Reno shouted. "She was fine two seconds ago! I'm a _good_ babysitter!"

Tifa started to lunge at him, but Cloud yanked her back.

"You are not her babysitter, you're her… her… _abductor_!"

"I was giving you a break!"

Again Tifa tried to throw herself at the Turk, but Cloud held her tightly.

"Calm down," he said. "See, she's fine." The child continued to scream.

Reno nodded quickly. "Yeah, she's fine."

Tifa seemed to calm down in Cloud's grasp a little. "You didn't do anything weird or mean?"

"No!" Reno hugged the child. "I told you I was a good babysitter. And I only left her alone in the bathtub for like, 40 minutes."

Tifa attacked Reno before Cloud could stop her.

"OW," Reno hissed and Rude pressed ice against his bruised and bloody lip.

"It's your own fault," Rude said unsympathetically.

Reno pouted, which didn't really work when your lip was destroyed.

"Hey Rude?"

"Yeah?"

"We'd make horrible parents."

**A/N**: Sheesh this took me forever to write. I hope that you enjoyed it, please review!


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